Essay Elements / Introductions

Directions: In the following essay, the writer is trying to convince students living on a college campus to be more aware of campus crime. His audience is young people aged 18-22.

Read the essay carefully, then, using the hints for effective introductions and conclusions, make comments in his text, suggesting improvements and revisions.

Going away to college far away from home for the first time can be a scary experience. College is a whole new experience which deals with a new environment, different friends, and great expectations. So, just when you thought you were settled in and fairly adjusted, news begins to circulate around campus of high crime rates. At home there is always a sense of security due to parents, good friends, and familiar surroundings. However, where do we find this much-needed security at college? At the moment, campus crime rates at this University are high, and the urgency is present to combat them with great force. Due to drunken carelessness and easy targets, crimes affect victims with costs and devastation. Nonetheless, we can still attempt to improve these crime statistics through group effort.

In a partying, college atmosphere, it is easy to see what provokes and causes campus crimes. The majority of crimes are committed on the weekends when there are numerous parties involving alcohol and drugs in a variety of places. Fraternity parties, dormitories, apartments, houses, and bars all make alcohol readily accessible to students who are often underage.

After a person pounds a few brews, or even takes a hit of a joint, they may find themselves in the midst of smashing car windows and stealing expensive stereo equipment, "for fun." Expensive and flashy cars are easy targets for vandals and thieves. As for rapists, college campuses are prime targets due to the great number of young, pretty, and often careless females. A rapist would be foolish not to stalk a college campus. Another cause of campus crime is a lack of security. Policemen aren't always around when crimes ar being committed. Also, the blue emergency telephones scattered around campus are fairly widespread, and lighting on campus is insufficient. Crimes are committed when drunks see easy targets and no nearby security. In turn, people suffer the terrible effects and consequences of these stupid acts.

The effects of crime can be devastating, both mentally and physically. Sense of security is lost after people are victimized. The loss of stolen valuables and money fill these victims with fear of repetition. In the April edition of the campus newspaper, the police blotter listed several different crimes recently committed.

In the local supermarket, a woman was assaulted as a man put his hand up her skirt and grabbed her. An apartment was broken into and robbed of $953 worth of property. A car was broken into and its $400 stereo stolen. A $5,000 car was stolen from a student. Crimes like these make people fear for their safety and the safety of their possessions. Also, high crimes rates make our university less attractive to perspective students.

The total resolution of crime is surely impossible; however, there are many possible solutions and suggestions which may at least lower our crime rates. The number of blue emergency telephones should be increased on campus. I often see girls running from one to the next, for fear of absence in an emergency. The amount of lighting on campus should also be increased, as it is currently insufficient, particularly on the mall. These suggestions need to be voiced to University officials such as Public Safety.

Crimes committed on campus are devastating, scarring the individual both mentally and physically. If students, faculty, and Public Safety work together, campus crime can be further diminished. The whole new experience of living on campus away from home is supposed to be fun. This "fun" image can be easily tarnished with high crime incidence. When thefts, rapes, assaults, or even obscene phone calls take place, the student's sense of security is lost. Campus can be a safer place to live if we work hard, take it more seriously, and hope that Public Safety listens to our suggestive voices.